This Friday is reserved for Appy Days, where I’ll be talking about mobile games. I have a HTC One M8, so everything will be played on Android. I don’t play many mobile games, but occasionally I download one to play during smoke breaks.
Before my phone died two weeks ago, I installed Bitcoin Billionaire.
At its core, Bitcoin Billionaire is a Cookie Clicker rip-off. Instead of just clicking (or rather, tapping) on one thing, you can just tap all over your screen! Tapping gets you Bitcoins, just in case you thought people wouldn’t try to get famous with any old Internet phrase, which you can then use to buy stuff. You can then place that stuff in your pixel room, to admire between your fingertips as you carry on tapping yourself into a Billionaire.
It’s a very simple concept, but with any simple concept there’s a way to cram in monetised ads and microtransactions. I ended up uninstalling Bitcoin Billionaire after less than an hour because the routine of the ‘game’ became: tappa tappa tappa, press the drone (get it?), tap that, watch a video, read an email (emails, guys, c’mon!), watch another video, tappa tappa, read this.
Damning enough was that the game was fixed in portrait orientation, but it was taken a step further by cramming in all of the options into every available pixel. Taking into account the fact there was scrolling text and emails and god knows what else popping up every 15 seconds, I felt sorry for my phone because it must have felt like it was on the worst acid trip ever.
I didn’t bother turning on the sound whilst I was playing, largely so I could just put the phone aside when the ads were playing and watch TV for 30 seconds. If I had to guess, the audio cues were probably a Mario coin noise when you tapped, a ‘Ka-ching!’ when you bought something and the screaming of a thousand sugar-crazed children as background music.
The worst part is that it’s probably saved against my Google Play account, so now my Bitminer is stuck for eternity, fingers perched over his pixelly keyboard, with only a hat rack or something in his view to remind him of better times.